I am almost convinced that it is harder to live life knowing there is a God, than live life knowing that there isn’t.

Some would argue that those who believe that there is a God don’t really enter into the difficulties of reality, but what would you feel if you knew there was a creator God who can give and take as he wishes and doesn’t give you what you want?  In fact, sometimes, it seems like he actively works against your wishes.  The non-believer would be able to trace why they have what they have, and why they don’t have it, and how they can get it, but with those who believe in God, everything comes from Him!  The reason we don’t have enough money to buy what we want would be because God hasn’t gave us an opportunity.. or even worse yet.. HE DID but we Missed It!  We’ve actually godda tune ourselves into the thiing that he has for us to do, and the thing he’s created us to be.. as apposed to the Truck loads of other things that weren’t even a part of his intentions.  If I were trying to find out what was on your mind, I garauntee that there would be more wrong answers than right ones.  The possibility is endless for wrong answers, but narrow for the right ones..  I believe it’s the same with God.  His intentions for our souls are simple.  Their impact could be tremendous, but I believe that compared to the many intentions that we could GUESS, we would probably have more wrong, than right.. i’m almost convinced..  so, the non believer makes up his/her own rules..  So I don’t believe you when you say that my faith, our faith, is a cop-out and a crutch, i would contend that your faith is too.  Don’t get me wrong.. I looove God and want to be who he has designed me to be, and the road is long and hard and bumpy, but I am willing..  And also, I do believe that religion can be used to cope with the unanswerable questions, but even in religion, I think there are more unanswerable questions than outside religion.. so why would we choose this way if we wanted to run away from those?..  ok.  my late night rambling is done.

This is a definite first for me. During the piano departmental class today, where our classical piano student colleagues play for the whole classical piano department, I heard satan play. He won a scholarship to UNT for his playing, have you heard of him? lol. Actually, it was a Russian guy, and it was amazing. It sounded like he not only composed the piece, but that his purpose was to convey the emotion in the piece, not worrying about the notes he is “supposed” to play (which I think directly or indirectly melted the inner critic inside of me). He played: 12 lieder von schubert no.2 – auf dem wasser zu singen d. 774 no. 9 – standchen, schwanengesang d. 957 no. 2 and 9 of the 12 songs Listz composed for shubert. As a performer, a finely tuned performer, Satan, as I refer to him, made clear the intentions of the composer. I heard a composer who himself heard the echoes of the past life of another. It was clear, and complimented my thoughts on death and life. Eh, not complimented but rather.. chiseled a grove in the rock so my tears could fill it.. and they did.. I was like balling in class, seriously. this is hard to accomplish, especially with your colleagues, who you are constantly comparing and contrasting yourself to, all the while fighting your jealous emotions if you pale in comparison, and fighting your prideful tendancies if you are stronger than the other. Yesterday, he played so effortlessly and with so much conviction, that this cynic inside of me quickly subsided any tendencies to label this one as a “good performer” or a “bad performer”.. or this music as “good music” or “bad music”, i heard that voice just subside.. it was the sound of trust. of letting go. of repentance. of being “undone”.. this sound can be laughter and sobbing, it can be any sound that comes from a jump from a high place.. not necesarrily a belief that once you hit the ground you will be okay, but that in mid air, you have arrived already. Its a good sound.. its music!

Truth,  it’s out there